I had broken up with my boyfriend of 7 and a half years. It was my idea to break it off. I loved him deeply; but needed more than what he could give me. It was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I remember feeling that if it were meant to be; we would get back together.
Momentarily I felt good about myself. I was optimistic about my future, and believed great things were ahead. I was attending the Mosque “The Nation of Islam” regularly. My faith was growing more and more with each passing engagement. I believed I found what I wanted, and that God was going to bless me for serving him.
You couldn’t tell me different. After a year of going consistently, I met what would be my future husband. He seemed like he
I let go of wondering if my boyfriend and I would get back together. Besides, I wanted to get married and have a father for my son from a previous relationship.
He wasn’t ready to be a father to my son that I had from a previous relationship.
He seemed to be drifting; although he was in college. He was taking a long time finishing school. He didn’t seem clear on what he wanted. After 8 years of being together I asked him what we were doing. I wanted to get married. I felt that we were together long enough for my boyfriend to know if he wanted to marry me.
I was 26 years old at the time. I gave Steve an ultimatum. I told him to step up or I was leaving.
I wasn’t in college. I was just working a 9 to 5 job.
Moreover; I was heavily immersing myself in going to the Mosque, and trying to serve God. I truly believed I found what I was looking for in the Nation of Islam. I needed something more that my relationship couldn’t give me. I knew that more existed in the world. I just had to give myself a chance. Looking back on past relationships; I realized I had come a long way since the days of pain and suffering. I’m no longer afflicted with the drama of the past. I now have the understanding of life and how things work. I’m finally living a very peaceful, drama-free life.
Prior to knowing how life worked, I was a mess! I had a lot of knowledge; but needed understanding of how to love me. I didn’t trust myself and doubted what I knew. From time to time, I received confirmations on my self-drawn conclusions. I was receiving messages on how to proceed in my life. They came from the Metaphysical books I read; or books on spirituality. Outside of my books; my life dramas were still foggy to say the least.
I was still trying to figure things out. It was hard accepting the fact that I married an abusive man, that he was abusive to my son, and that prayer couldn’t fix my dilemma. I just needed to accept what it was. Easier said than done; for I thought God would punish me for walking away from my marriage.
Prayer only works when things are right for you. I was severely confused. Without any experiential reference points to go on; i lacked understanding. I was learning life like everyone else. You know how it is; it’s a learn as you go process. I also was very hard-headed. Every time the thought would come to leave my marriage–I doubted my own intuition.
I was missing the whole point. I had the wrong focus. My focus was on him, and trying to pray him into a better person. I had no clue that I attracted the relationship; because of how I saw myself. “The relationship you have with yourself, is the one you have with everyone.” I thought I loved myself, but realized I didn’t love me enough.
I was tested with the same dilemma in my marriage, that I left in a previous relationship. The dilemma of choosing myself, unworthiness, and lack of boundaries. Nothing changed; for I faced it all over again.
I failed the test because I didn’t recognize the pattern. The problem was that it was hidden in my subconscious programming. There were antecedent unconscious, toxic programs that were running behind the scene. It’s the reason why it was so difficult to quell. These unconscious beliefs were ruining my life. They were causing me to reflect their equivalent correlates in my relationships.
I ended up attracting exactly what I didn’t want in my last relationship. It was a similar dynamic, although I was faced with again. I didn’t see my value, and felt unworthy to choose me. There were lessons I needed to learn before I was able to move on. Until those lessons were learned; I was imprisoned within myself.
Spirit was trying to bring it to my attention. Bring it to my awareness. It wanted me to look at them so that I could make corrections. The truth was I brought the same kinds of beliefs about myself into my marriage.
There were It was hard for me to accept things as they were. I really thought I could fix things on my own. The harder I tried the worse it got. For 19 years I tried to wish, pray and force things to be better in my marriage.
Ironically; I wasn’t even in love with my x-husband–but I wanted to be. When we got together I already had an 8 year old son. He had no children yet. To make a long story short: After marrying him he became abusive to my son. Five months into the marriage I was pregnant with our first child. A baby girl. Six months after giving birth to her I was pregnant again. he was ab but I was conditioned stay in a love less marriage. I learned it well from watching my parents. They were married 32 years, but were unhappily married. It sent a message to me that you should stay no matter what. Stay even if you weren’t happy.
After all; where does a child learn how to be and act from? They learn how to “be” from their parents. My parents said they stayed because of their children. They were definitely committed to dysfunction and toxicity.
They weren’t even happy with each other. Dad often left for days at a time galavanting around with his side pieces. Mom wasn’t innocent either; she had her extra marital flings as well. All the while this is what I learned growing up. The message was loud and clear: Stay no matter what, even if you’re not happy.
Adding to the crazy of the latter perspective; it caused me to do the same. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 19 years. I never chose me, I was self-sacrificing and aloof to my own needs.